John Cougarstein Tune Access

John Cougarstein and some guy who looks like Bono

Lyrics from the John Cougarstein CD "S.U.C.K. in the U.S.A."
1. "Smurfette"
2."All I want to Do is Discuss Sarte With You"
3. "I kissed a squirrel"
4. "Stein, Any Stein"
5. "I Dreamt that I Worked at the Heritiage Foundation"
6. "Fonzie"
7. "Téa Leoni"
8. "Rollerblading in San Francisco"
9. "Livin’ Like Deepak Chopra"
10. "Gleek"
11. "Chocolate Croissant"

"Smurfette"
Parody of "Centerfold"

Is it true
is she blue
is this just a dream
there’s a sexy new Smurf in our municipality
with 99 male Smurfs things were getting pretty rough
the thought of female companionship is making us all
blush

the job Papa Smurf did on her
is really pretty swell
you’d never know she was a femme fatale
created by Gargamel

I’m dripping sweat
even my white hat’s erect
my angel’s name is smurfette
angel’s name is smurfette
my heart’s a wreck
don’t care that’s she’s got no neck
la la la la la la
angel’s name is smurfette

Competition will be steep
98 smurfs I have to beat
well make that 97 OK
don’t think Vanity goes that way
I was smurfing in my shoes
whenever she flashed those baby blues
something had a smurf on me
when smurfette smurfed on by

that white lace sun dress
makes my knees go weak
I think she has a different one for every day of the
week

listen up hey listen right
that Lazy Smurf won’t treat you right
Hefty’s dumb as a brick
and Grouchy well he’s just a prick
Brainy is a total drip, not a fun date
and Greedy’s so possesive
he’ll just suffocate

I dreaming of the day though the waiting is a curse
the day you scream out "How much longer Papa Smurf"

"All I want to Do is Discuss Sarte With You"
parody of "All I want To is Make Love to You"

It was a gloomy night
in the coffeehouse that night
she was buying coffee beans
black T-shirt, black jeans

but sticking out of her coat
was The Republic by Plato
I took her hand and asked why
are you reading that dead white guy

she said I’m just deconstructing it
from a feminist perspective
I knew right away, there was much more to say
I went to the counter, got two double lattes

All I want to do is discuss Sartre with you
maybe Neitchze, or Albert Camus
All I want to do is discuss Sartre with you
maybe Spinoza and Rousseau too

we found a table in the dark
and began to talk about Marx
she said even though I was a man
I came across pretty post-modern

we subverted the dominant paradigm
maybe two or three times
her comprehension of Kant
really stole my heart

we went from Thomas Hobbes to Michael Foucault
through a pack of cigarettes and five frappacinos
but then I noticed the time, made an excuse to leave
because my wife had dinner waiting for me

All I want to do is discuss Sartre with you
maybe Neitchze, or Albert Camus
All I want to do is discuss Sartre with you
I think your hummus is in my tofu

Yeah
we made love
actually we discussed love
in all of its socio-economic implications
because you really don’t find this romanticized
idyllic concept of love
anywhere except overindustrialized western societies
which would insinuate that love is just a capitalistic
tool used to perpetuate the division of labor between
the genders
and keep women as second class citizens

we discussed love

then the very next night, she saw me out with my wife
you can imagine her surprise
when I had my hand on my wife’s thigh

I said please please understand
this social construct aint that bad
even Susan Faludi finally found herself a man

All I want to do is discuss Sartre with you
You can pronounce it Sartre if you want to
All I want to do is discuss Sartre with you
cause I would never want to oppress you

"I kissed a squirrel"
parody of "I kissed a girl"

I was dating a girl her name was Marie
we were sort of engaged but not really
she’s not exactly Einstein
and she talks with her mouth full

she said the other day when will we get married
I smiled and said as soon as we’re ready
but I was just procrastinating
there’s something that was missing

so I went
to the woods
there was a creature with such mystique
full of nuts inside its cheeks
I kissed a Squirrel (2x)

took her home and I named her babette
when Marie asked I said she’s just a pet
she said she’s so adorable
I said you’re telling me

but after a while I was sick of the lies
and I went to Marie’s to confess
but there she was with a woodchuck
humping her knee

and we laughed
said toodle-loo
they can have their dance clubs
and we’ll have the zoo
I kissed a squirrel (2x)

kissed a squirrel
just can’t be beat
got a bushy tail just like marie
kissed a squirrel
carressed her paws
although we broke the law
I kissed a squirrel (2x)

love and nuts
is what we crave
if we run out of berries bird feeders we’ll raid

I kissed a squirrel
for the first time
I kissed a squirrel
and I may do it again
I kissed a squirrel

I’m leaving Las Vegas
squirrel by my side
palm sweat suet on a Saturday night

I kissed a squirrel

kissed a squirrel
just can’t be beat
but I get so scared when she crosses the street
I kissed a squirrel

kissed a squirrel
her lips were sweet
a misdemeanor not a felony
I kissed a squirrel

kissed a squirrel
check out that tail
might get ya a whole 6 months in jail
I kissed a squirrel

kissed a squirrel
and went down south
can fit her whole head inside my mouth
I kissed a squirrel

kissed a squirrel
made my eyes twinkle
when we played Rocky and Bullwinkle

"Stein, Any Stein"
parody of "Time After Time"

Goyim
in bed again
can’t find me
a good Jew
no lawyers
no doctors
not even
an intern or 2

the WAPS and
Catholics
they’re not so bad
but I can’t bring them home to Dad

all of these
jocks and the
blue bloods
they got money
they got looks
but give me
a neurotic
with bad hair
and a nose that’s hooked

but the reason
I can’t
get Jewish boys
Is that they will only sleep with goys

and I look and I pine
but I just can’t find a
Stein any Stein

and I go to the gym
any bar I go in can’t find a
Stein any Stein

no I’m not getting it
cuz I look Semetic
Stein any Stein

all of those Jewish guys
think Helen Hunt is the prize
Stein any Stein

I was so
lonely
I was at
the end of wits
so I had my
nose smashed
into a thousand bits

yes I got
a nose job
like Goldie Hawn
now all of my problems are gone

and the guys are all hooked
and my schedule’s booked with
Stein after Stein

gonna get a Mister
cuz I look like a shiksa
Stein after Stein

but I’m not a fool
my kids are going to Hebrew school
Stein after Stein

"I Dreamt that I Worked at the Heritiage Foundation"
music and lyrics by John Cougarstein

Last night I had a terrible dream, under the covers
worse than the one where I was doing Sally Struthers
this one had my pysche in serious consternation
I dreamt that I worked at the Heritage Foundation

The dream started back in college, political theory
210
was reading John stuart Mill, watching C-Span
There’s was Pat Buchanan doling out populist spew
but it made so much I forgot that I was a Jew
government was the problem with the whole damn nation
So I packed up my bags and went to Washington

Spent all day looking for a job for me
looked all day, and what did I see
a massive slew of suits from Filene’s basement
on 100 Arayans who were all named Trent
no one had kissed a girl since the Bush Administration
and they all worked at the Heritiage foundation

Somehow I got myself an interview
got a suit at Filene’s at got a shoe shine too
I was nervous my head started to throb
but I said my name was Trent and they gave me the job

The first day of work the place seemed so odd
All of the Trents looked like Gil Gerard
the Ronald Reagan portrait made everyone hard
I bet you twenty no one graduated from Bard
Wall to wall zits, sexual frustration
but that’s wasn’t the worst part of my imagination
cuz all of sudden and this is no joke
Bill Bennett’s dick was halfway down my throat

woke up in a cold sweat but I was overjoyed
never thought I’d be so happy being unemployed
cuz worse than Sally Struthers in coital relations
is sucking right-wing dick for the Heritage foundation

"Fonzie"
parody to "Zombie"

Another
pack of women
clamor around him in
Arnold’s

with a snap
three girls in his lap
he’s cooler than Ricky
Ricardo

he’s only five foot three
has no GED
why do they
why do they find him studly

with his tight
Levi’s jeans
and hair full
of Brylcreem
why do they
why do they find him studly

Not Richie
not Potsie
Fonzie
Fonzie
Fonzie -ay -ay
Not Ralph Malph
or Mister C.
Fonzie
Fonzie
Fonzie -ay -ay -ay

Exactmundo (4x)

every day
a new girl who is stacked
yet he never contracts
STDs

his bathroom office
is in the diner
that’s owned by Mr. Miagi

and there was
No PC
in 1953
that’s why he’s
always ob-
jectifying

and Joanie
loves Chachi
and Chachi
loves Joanie
did I mention that he is a mechanic

he knew Mork
but not Mindy
Fonzie
Fonzie
Fonzie ay ay
he did Laverne
and Shirley
Fonzie
Fonzie
Fonzie -ay - ay -ay
Aaaayyyy
Aaayyyy
Ayyyyyy

"Téa Leoni"
parody of "David Duchovny"

It’s Thursday night
but your show has long since gone
couldn’t survive
against Brooke Shields and Lea Thompson

you want some comfort from your man
but all he cares about is aliens
I’ll give what you ask
just dump his tired stoic ass

Don’t sit around all
sad and so lonely
pick up the phone
Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni
Come on and phone me
Come on and phone me

His career
it seems pretty good so far
but there’s just one more season
and "Playing God" made less than "Ishtar"

All your love will start to go
when you can’t get a table at Spago
when things get real bad
I’ll be your transition man

Téa Leoni
So tall and so bony
give me a crack
I’ll make some "Deep Impact"
Téa Leoni
Attractive buy gawky
like Ally McBeal
stretched out on a rack
Téa Leoni
Come on and phone me
Come on and phone me

Who needs Mr. Aloof
I love you I’ve got proof
I saw every Naked Truth
even though that show sucked
laughed more at Eyes Wide Shut
why couldn’t you be in that?
Nicole Kidman can’t act

Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni
get a divorce and we’ll split his alimony
Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni
I’ll buy your daughter lots of My Little Pony
Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni
fellow Italian I’ll slip you my calzone
Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni
not a lot rhymes with Téa Leoni
I’ll have to repeat it
Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni
Téa Leoni

I’ll be waiting
outside Spago

"Rollerblading in San Francisco"
music and lyrics by John Cougarstein

Oh yeah
I remember it well
when I fell for you
emphasis on fell
I never bothered to do the math
you’re such bad news, front page, top half

you’re queen manic depressive, passive aggressive
I can’t believe it was you I’ve trusted
all the Zoloft in the whole damn world
could never make you well-adjusted

and I’m
rollerblading in San Francisco
straight down a hill with a foam rubber brake pad
rollerblading in San Francisco
there’s a faulty connection between my brain and my
gonads

so many times I should have left
or just have thrown you down a chasm
like the time you cheated on me
with the entire women’s rugby team
and you told me that it was your very first orgasm

and I’m
rollerblading in San Francisco
hurtling towards death
rollerblading in San Francisco
you said that you liked the big one named Beth

and you
remind me of Fidel Castro
that way you ration everything
and your face is kind of fuzzy
and you’re a pretty mundane dresser
and you’re never ever ever ever ever gonna leave

Rollerblading in San Francisco(4x)

Rollerblading in San Francisco
you wrecked my ego but I put on the blinders
rollerblading in San Francisco
you’re a game of Stratego and I got no miners

repeat first chorus

"Livin’ Like Deepak Chopra"
parody of "Livin’ La Vida Loca"

She’s into meditation
karma and astrology
lemon juice and cayenne pepper
is what keeps her toxin-free

She wants to find nirvana
her consciousness she’ll elevate
She asked me about dharma
I said I watch Will & Grace

She’ll take you on a journey to find spiritual bliss
She only will have sex with you on a bed of amethyst
And it hurts like a bitch (Come on!)

She will mellow out
Livin’ like Deepak Chopra
Candles all around
Livin’ like Deepak Chopra
Bakes all her own bread
and flavors it with bulgar
She will mellow out
Livin’ like Deepak Chopra

One day she put on paper
her thoughts on spiritual life
it was a Times bestseller
now she meditates all she likes

She boiled down life’s secrets into 11 easy steps
Now she’s got a ton of cash and she’s shtupping Johnny
Depp
Oh I think her karma’s set (Come on!)

She found enlightenment
Livin’ like Deepak Chopra
in her bank statement
Livin’ like Deepak Chopra
Her mansion in Bel-air
is twice the size of Oprah’s
her aura I.P.O’d
Livin’ like Deepak Chopra

Livin’ like Deepak Chopra baby
she got all seven chakras wide open baby
she got the healing power of quartz now baby
livin’ like Deepak
Come on

"Gleek"
parody of "Creep"

In the hall of justice
I’d like to see just once
my picture on the wall as
Superfriend of the Month

but I don’t catch villians
I’m just comic relief
I want superpowers
just one stupid power

but I’m a Gleek
I’m a blue monkey
what am I doing in the Justice League
I don’t belong here

I love wearing tights
I wnat super strength
I want to talk to fish
in any old lake

faster than light
or an invisible plane
but those are all taken
why is everything taken

but I’m a Gleek
I’m a blue monkey
what am I doing in the Justice League
I don’t belong here

woah oh
woah oh

he’s
form of ice
again

she’s
form of a
woolly
mammmoth

she’s
a mammoth

just want to be of assistance
want to be of some help
does anyone need water?
I got a bucket of water

because
but I’m a Gleek
I’m a blue monkey
what am I doing in the Justice League
I don’t belong here

"Chocolate Croissant"
music and lyrics by John Cougarstein

chocolate croissant
you are everything that tasty should be
with your flaky pastry outside
and sweet chocolaty inside
chocolate croissant

chocolate croissant
I would leave my wife of 20 years
if I could find some priest or judge that would marry
us tonight

chocolate croissant
I would take us on a honeymoon
and we’d go to Honululu
then I would eat you

I would try to make it last for a few days
but if I wait too lond
you will go stale
and I don’t want our final moments together
to be hard a crusty
no let’s make it
sweet and chocolaty
sweet and chocolaty

chocolate croissant
after I finished you
I would call my ex-wife
and I’d say
that I sorry
but my long-lost evil twin brother
knocked me unconscious
and locked me up in a cage with his
genetic monkey experiments
and while I was imprisoned he
divorced you and married some bimbo chocolate
croissant
in my name
thankfully the authorities apprehended him
before he could unleashed his twisted plot for world
domination

and she’d believe me
cause she is dumb
not like you
I didn’t mean that thing about you being a bimbo,
I was just saying that
my true love
chocolate croissant
chocolate croissant