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 Cougarstein says, "UNITED WE STAND!" |
The Cougarstein Ramble is an irregularly published column that deftly combines poorly reported news with feeble attempts at humor. RECENT COLUMNS March 20, 2005 After the U.S. Congress sought to extend the life of Terri Schiavo by allowing her case to be prolonged in the federal courts, God expressed his frustration at the latest obstacle to calling the brain-damaged women to Heaven, lashing out at Republican leaders in an unprecedented Sunday press conference. "Bill Frist, Denny Hastert, Tom DeLay are clearly Satan's Helpers," said the Lord Almighty. "Terri's soul was supposed to be in Heaven 15 years ago, but Lucifer has thrown up one roadblock after the next. I've had it up to here, and believe you me, so has Terri." Eternal peace and happiness awaits Ms. Schiavo in Heaven, the final resting place for most Earthly souls. Ms. Schiavo was unavailable for comment. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, long affiliated with the Christian Right, bristled at the charge that he is in league with the Devil. "This legislation is called the Palm Sunday Compromise. Would a Satan worshipper name a bill like that?," said DeLay. "I live to serve God, but He needs to get His facts straight, put down the Sojourner's and turn on Fox." Satan has mainly been using the judicial system to ensure that Ms. Schiavo's feeding tube remain in place to deny her entry to Heaven. While he is known to wield influence in Congress, it is usually done in a low-key manner. His helpers rarely call attention to the relationship, as Satan's poll numbers remain stubbornly below 50%. For Satan to turn to Congress in such a high-profile fashion, as God is alleging, would be unusual. God indicated there would be consequences for the culture if the delays continued. "I can make the abortion rate go a lot higher, and I can see to it that Paris Hilton gets even more offers for TV pilots," warned the Heavenly Father, "Don't push me." January 1, 2003 CRAWFORD, TX Jan. 1 -- White House aides are having a difficult time developing a diplomatic strategy regarding North Korea because President Bush keeps making jokes about the Communist nation's short-range missiles, known as "No Dongs." "It's one small penis crack after another," said one adviser. "He can't focus on the issue at hand." Several aides lamented that the jokes weren't even funny. "Sometimes, a little levity to break the tension is fine," said a senior administration official, "but things like 'Our dongs are bigger than No Dongs' or 'What's the problem, Kim Jong Il don't even have a dong.' It's just bad." Also causing tension within the Administration: some of the ethnic humor Bush has mined from the missile nomenclature has riled Transportation Secretary Norm Minetta. "Right in the middle of a Cabinet meeting, Norm challenged Bush to whip it out right there, he was so steamed," said the adviser. Reporters have had difficulty confirming rumors that Condi Rice was then asked to leave the room so the contest could be held. November 10, 2002 Second Lady Lynne Cheney missed several media interviews last week regarding the Eminem star vehicle “8 Mile,” because she is so “giddy with power” following the midterms, she forgot to show up, according to her aides. Cheney had previously attacked Eminem as representing a “culture of carnage.” “A couple of weeks ago, she was all geared up to trash 8 Mile as the further glorification of a scourge to children,” said one staff member. “But since Tuesday, she’s been on another planet.” “She’s been hooting and hollering so loudly that we can’t call them ‘undisclosed’ locations anymore,” said another. The staffer continued, “She's drinking up a storm, dancing on tables, announcing her next children’s book will be called ‘Pathetic Liberal Losers: From A to Z.’” As a result, her aides were unable to bring her down to Earth and remind her of her media commitments. “It’s a real shame,” said Eagle Forum’s Phyllis Schlafly, who had set her TiVo to record Cheney on “The 700 Club.” “Now everyone is talking Oscar, and US Magazine says he’s back with his wife. What kind of message does this send to the children, both born and unborn?,” lamented Schlafly. Cheney spokesman John Fonte offered a public apology to the stood-up media outlets, but promised she would show up when the sequel to “Lord of the Rings” comes out. “She has a thing about Hobbits,” said Fonte. November 3, 2002 In a surprise move, Winona Ryder took the stand today and blamed the Beltway snipers for forcing her to shoplift $5000 of goods from Saks earlier this year. “It was totally those two,” said Ryder, “They came up to me, said they worked for Michael Eisner, and that they could get me a part in the next Vin Diesel movie, if I lifted some handbags and stuff.” “It totally made sense at the time, because I was on a lot of Vicodin. But then I got caught, and the guys just took off. I thought they left to get Eisner to take care of everything.” “I was left hanging. I was way confused until I saw they were the sniper guys. Then I knew for sure they didn’t work for Eisner. Well, I wasn’t sure immediately, but I’m kinda sure.” Prosecutors were scrambling to counter the revelation. One assistant DA privately remarked, “We were worried about the President blaming Saddam for it, but the sniper thing completely blindsided us.” The Ryder shoplifting case isn’t the only unsolved crime that is now being connected to the Beltway snipers. Other such crimes include: -- The murder of intern Chandra Levy -- The kidnapping of Utah’s Elizabeth Smart -- The disappearance of Florida foster child Rilya Wilson -- The ratings success of the Jami Gertz sitcom “Still Standing” October 27, 2002 “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” ravages the self-esteem of children, new research shows, and parenting experts warned families to avoid the ABC special. The animated program depicts an idealistic boy and an infatuated girl as their idealism and spirit is obliterated by reality. “I don’t know how this one got past us for so long,” said Harold Thigpen, board member of Sensitive Parents of America, “but the emotional scarring can’t be ignored. Research conducted by SPA indicated that children exposed to the show are less likely to draw happy pictures and get married, and more likely to play violent video games and end up attending their safety school. In the show, Linus Van Pelt, a young evangelist who mixes popular Christianity with squash worship, persuades a lovestruck Sally Brown that on Halloween a giant pumpkin showers toys on those who believe. When the pumpkin fails to appear, Sally heart breaks upon the realization that Linus is not whom he seems to be, while Linus descends into madness. “It’s really not the right message for children,” says Thigpen, “especially for those planning to go to Stanford someday.” The show’s creator, Charles Schulz, could not be reached for comment. October 6, 2002 WASHINGTON, April 24, 2004 -- President George W. Bush prepared the nation for his 11th pre-emptive strike by insisting that the impending invasion of Armenia will be his last. “I gotta tell ya, after your first military strike, it’s hard to stop. The rush is incredible,” said Bush, “But believe you me, these Armenians are nothing but trouble.” In his address to the country, Bush wistfully remembered several of his more successful attacks, including “Operation This Really Isn’t About Islam” and “Operation Who You Calling Hitler.” At the same time, his did not address some of the costly failures. Left unmentioned was the Italian War, part of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness’ War on Obesity. And the Guam Quagmire -- which ended only after it was explained to Bush that the island was part of America even though it was not a state -- received just a passing mention. Nevertheless, Bush was clearly fired up when talking about Armenia. “We gave them 60 days to change their name,” said Bush, “as our Patent Office found that the name Armenia sounded too much like America, and therefore was a trademark violation.” “But them Armenians have been crawfishin', po'daddyin', and skeepalunkin' for too long. And so they shall feel the brunt of American justice.” September 22, 2002 President George Bush added a new clause to his proposed congressional authorization of force against Iraq in a bid to garner broader political support. “WHEREAS the Iraqi people have been cruelly deprived of broadcasts of ‘Small Wonder’ since 1989,” reads the additional text. In a news conference, Bush explained his motivation for what is being called “The Vicki Clause.” “There has been no greater program that conveyed the importance of loving your neighbor the wat you’d like to be loved yourself,” said Bush. “The way that the Lawsons took Vicki in, and made her part of the family, even though she was just a robot, says so much about what makes America a great nation.” Administration officials said privately that the President has never been told that “Small Wonder” is off the air in the United States. “We have the only DVDs ever made of the show, and we quietly feed them into his bedroom TV after ballgames,” said one. “If it’s not on, he’s gets cranky.” When asked if Bush would get accused of a double standard by criticizing Iraq for a situation that is also the case in the U.S., one Bush aide noted, “Well, we also blamed Hussein because Al Qaeda members are in Iraq.” September 1, 2002 Dear Colin, I’m a top executive at my company, and I’m paid well, but it’s clear that the CEO could care less about my opinions. He never acts on my recommendations. The other executives publicly contradict me at staff meetings. I don’t even get invited to play golf with the CEO like the other executives do. I’m feeling like my life isn’t amounting to very much, what should I do? Disrespected in Durham Dear Disrespected, You’re missing the benefits of your situation. While your fellow executives have to fall all over themselves to curry favor from the CEO, you can skip off to the Hamptons for a little white wine and R&R. Yet you all get the same paycheck at the end of day. It’s a beautiful life. Dear Colin, I work for a men’s magazine and I’m concerned about our prospects. The editor-in-chief fell in love with a feminist, and now he’s refusing to put on the cover scantily clad 19-year-olds from WB and UPN TV shows. Everyone in the industry knows that’s our bread and butter, but he fired his old inner circle and replaced them with disciples of Andrea Dworkin. There’s no talking to them. What can I do to stop this? Nervous in New York Dear Nervous, When you’re the odd man out in a situation, the best tactic is something I call “Just Look Away.” By looking away from an impeding disaster, when disaster strikes, you’re not to blame. But if the improbable happens and disaster is averted, you can sneak in and take credit , since you wisely keep quiet before. It’s a win-win! Dear Colin, What was funnier? Eddie Murphy’s “The Adventures of Pluto Nash,” or Martin Lawrence’s “RunTelDat.” Indecisive in Ithaca Dear Indecisive, First off, I do not see every movie that stars an African-American. And second, neither film holds a candle to Booty Call. August 25, 2002 Connie Chung and Maury Povich were arrested today after 43 abducted children were found in the basement of their Manhattan townhouse. According to FBI wiretap transcripts, Chung spoke of heading the kidnapping ring so she wouldn’t have to “spend my time on CNN, using big words, talking about boring issues and stuff.” The plan was to release the children after a few days, so Povich could then corner the market on shows about reuniting parents and their missing kids. “They’d get the ratings two ways,” said one federal investigator, “Connie on the front-end, Maury on the back.” A lawyer for the two television personalities insisted that they were just taking care of the kids for America’s Most Wanted host John Walsh. “Walsh approached them and said he had all these Cambodian refugees and he couldn’t fit them all in his place,” said attorney Franklin Jones. “They were just being courteous.” When asked why none of the children appeared to be Cambodian, Jones said, “Are you saying that all Asians look alike? That’s an racist question.”
The children were found watching videotape loops of old “A Current Affair” programs. Upon their release, most appeared frightened, and several asked FBI agents if the “Preppie Murderer” was still on the loose. August 11, 2002 Dick Armey’s surprise opposition to an invasion of Iraq is just the tip of Pamela Anderson’s silicone. Now that Armey is retiring this year, he’s letting loose, telling America more than you ever wanted to know about the man behind the wingnut. “When I referred to Barney Frank as Barney Fag, I was just trying to be flirty.” “I supported what? A flat tax?! Man, this Paxil is some strong stuff! I was so out of it.” “I couldn’t believe Clinton answered that question about boxers or briefs. What about thongs? They’re terribly comfortable.” “I still think the Palestinians should be transferred out of the West Bank, but what was overlooked was that I also want the Jews out of my Dallas Savings Bank.” “I was this close to getting the part of the father on Gimme A Break! But then Dolph Sweet goes off and sleeps with Nell Carter.” “My kids love it when I dance around the house singing ‘Let meee seee that thoo-oo-oo-ng.’” “Some Texans like steak, but nothing makes me happier than a big plate of hummus.” “My full name is really Harry Dick Armey.” “I actually have a Ph. D. I wasn’t making that up.” August 4, 2002 The island nation of Malta publicly announced its support of the US campaign to remove Saddam Hussein as the leader of Iraq, becoming the first nation to join the coalition. "We will gladly sent our mighty soldiers to end this global threat," said Maltese President Guido De Marco. "All five of them, Joey, Franco, Mad Dog Willie, Big Tony. Maybe not Vic, we'll see how his ankle is doing when the time comes." US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the Maltese support. "Malta understands that we all are threatened by weapons of mass destruction. We are honored that they are with us, and I'll be happy to put their soldiers right up front." Other nations expressed disdain at Malta's early action. "They've always been a suck-up," said Finland's Ambassador to the US. Kyrgyzstan President Askar Akayev concurred, "Last year, Malta was arresting winos and calling them Al Qaeda operatives, just so the US would buy more of their lame potatoes." President Bush was not available to comment on the diplomacy development as he was transfixed on the new Anna Nicole Smith show. In addition to calling it a "tour of force," Bush is reported to have told friends "It's like a time portal into Jenna's future." July 28, 2002 The United States will remain vulnerable to terrorist attacks unless child labor laws are suspended for the proposed Department of Homeland Security, President Bush said today. In comments made at Pinecrest Middle School in Akron, Ohio, Bush said, “I need the flexibility to hire willing and able 12-year-olds when the national interest is at stake.” White House officials said the President will veto any legislation that does not include Bush’s proposed “Kiddie Kop Klause.” “It’s about options,” said spokesman Ari Fleischer. “To hamstring the President in a time of war is not fair to him, the country, and especially, the kids.” Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT), who drafted the Senate version of the bill, insisted that hiring children would not provide any additional security. “They’re good for crawling into small spaces, but that’s about it,” said Lieberman. Fleischer said Lieberman was selling youngsters short. “The President believes the children are our future, and that people of all age groups can contribute in the war on terror,” said Fleischer. Fleischer brushed off concerns that Bush’s views were influenced by his love of the movie, Cop and a Half. In his speech, Bush noted that children have proven their abilities time and time again. “If they’re good enough for Nike, “said Bush, “they’re good enough for America.” July 14, 2002 The debate over lactose intolerance will be thrust upon children worldwide this week when the character Gesty joins Big Bird, Bert and Ernie on the long-running "Sesame Street." Gesty will be the first lactose intolerant character on any television program, raising concerns among parental watchdogs and conservatives. "We need to return to a simpler time, when the highlight of kindergarten was cookies and milk before nap time." said L. Brent Bozell III of Media Research Center, an organization of unknown purpose that often provides handy quotes. "But Sesame Street," said Bozell, "wants to take that glass of milk out of every child's hand and replace it with wheatgrass juice smoothies." Sesame Street representatives took pains to say that Gesty would not send an anti-dairy message. "The value of Gesty is simply to show kids that lactose intolerance is nothing to be afraid of," said Robert Knezevic, head of the show's international division, "that you can touch and hug and play with the lactose intolerant and still enjoy a big bowl of Reddi Whip and Nilla Wafers." Knezevic said an example of a plot line is Gesty feeling left out during a jovial conversation about the latest "Got Milk" advertisement. Sesame Street denied it was influenced by a $100,000 donation from the Jamba Juice Smoothie Company. "We have received money from dairy organizations in the past as well," noted Knezevic. Bozell cited a Family Research Council study indicating that discussing lactose intolerance with children under six leads to a lifelong aversion to whole milk and whole milk products. "Despite what the liberal intelligentsia thinks, parents know that certain subject matter is just plain inappropriate and dangerous for the nation's children," said Bozell. Bozell could not explain why an interracial lesbian underage couple is graphically depicted on the Family Research Council web site. July 7, 2002 Dear Colin, With the economy still shaky, I’m very concerned about my job security. What can I do to increase my value in the workplace? Sincerely, Dear Nervous, Nothing says “valued employee” more than complete subordination. But just being a simple sycophant is too easy. It’s been done. You need to take it to another level. Go in to your superior’s office with an idea you know is counter to his or her beliefs. Make your opinion clear at first, but allow your boss to dissaude you by the end of the meeting. Then champion your superior’s idea throughout the office (always remember to credit the boss!). Before you know it, you’ll have a special place in your boss’s heart. Dear Colin, My son is eight years old and he’s always getting picked on and beaten up in school. I want to teach him to stand up for himself without conveying any innappropriate values. How should I handle this? Yours, Dear Flustered, Getting beaten up in and of itself conveys the most important value of all: pain tolerance. Fighting back would only sully the rite of passage. Teach your son that every hit he withstands is a step closer to success and happiness. Dear Colin, Do you know Bill Cosby? What’s he like in real life? Sincerely, Dear White, First, I should point out that not all black people know each other. And second, he’s as delightful off-screen as he was in Ghost Dad. Dear Colin, I’m tired of taking orders from others. I really want to start my own business so I can finally call the shots. But where do I start? Thanks in advance, Dear Anxious, Being at the top may sound nice at first, but after a week of making your own decisions and thinking of things for employees to do, you’ll be homesick for your cozy, safe cubicle. Save yourself the money and angst and just stay put. You’ll smile more and be home by 6 more often. Dear Colin, Who would win in a 12-round boxing match: Sharon or Arafat? Sincerely, Dear Down, Sharon’s pants are a 64 waist, and Arafat has Parkinson’s. Sharon by TKO in the 4th. June 29, 2002 After the Pledge of Alliegiance was deemed unconstitutional by a federal appeals court, thousands of grade school children went on a crime spree, shooting crossing guards in cold blood, looting comic book stores, and wantonly sneaking into movie theaters. "Before I was all like, do my homework and respect my teachers," said 9-year old Jimmy Dalrymple of Truckee, CA, as he shined his .45. "Now that the Pledge is gone, I'm like, what's the point?" Experts agreed that half-awake children need to mindlessly mumble their loyalty to God and country every morning. "That's where young minds attain their values, through perfunctory repetition," said Heritage Foundation analyst Robert Rector. In addition to the collapse in morality among children, political leaders nationwide expressed alarm at the weakening of the country's bond with God. Reports that godless Chinese communists had begun infiltrating the National Basketball Association and the elite strike force Charlie's Angels were particularly troubling. "God is burning down the states in the 9th Circuit one by one," said Rev. Jerry Falwell. "That's what happens to a nation when she turns her back on God." When asked why there was so much suffering in the Middle East between two peoples who believe strongly in God, he noted, "I'm talking about the one true God." May 30, 2002 On May 30, 2002, the home-schooling movement was humiliated when Pratyush Buddiga, an Indian-American public school student, kicked a whole lot of home-school ass by spelling "prospicience" to win the National Spelling Bee. Until Buddiga's victory, home-schooled children had a three-year winning streak in the bee, the result of a twisted PR strategy to convince the public that any two-bit parent can teach their kids better than trained professionals. The recent spelling bee victories helped the home-schooling movement dodge the criticism of education experts that the ability to spell is a meaningless indication of intelligence and that home-schooling turns children into socially maladjusted, crystal meth addicts. Trash-talking between Buddiga and last year's winner Sean Conley was fierce before and after the contest. "Buddiga cannot savor this victory like a dish of sopaipilla," said Conley. "I don't mean to objurgate, but to triumph on a 10th-grade level word does not make one spatiotemporal, the plebian towelhead." "Conley can cry to his mommy during third period," said Buddiga. "I don't even like spelling. I just did this to put those Hooked on Phonics freaks in their place." The outcome was a surprise to ABC commentator George Will, who on last Sunday's "This Week" lauded home-schooling based on the recent wins in the spelling bee and the National Geography Bee, and predicted another home-school triumph for this week's contest. After the bee, Will echoed the comments of Conley, telling reporters, "It's not a very impressive word if it hasn't appeared in my column." May 5, 2002 In what has become a comforting ritual after the death of cultural icons, Elton John will release another version of "Candle in the Wind" to honor Lisa (Left Eye) Lopes, who recently died in a car crash. Elton reached out to Grammy nominee John Cougarstein to assist with the new version, instead of his usual songwriting partner Bernie Taupin. "Have you seen Bernie lately?" said Elton, "He saw Moulin Rouge hopped up on meth and Celebrex and ever since he's been a vegetable." Cougarstein said he is finding the project a creative challenge. "I'm kinda stuck right now, actually. What rhymes with arson?" he asked during a recent news conference. Proceeds from the 14th release of "Candle in the Wind," will go to the Elton John A-List Party Fund, a charity that pays for caterers and decorations for Elton's famous blowouts, many of which raise money for other charities. "It's hard to save the world without tasty snacks," said Elton. April 20, 2002 (UPI -- August 25, 2003) The Bush Administration's "Coup Doctrine" suffered a setback today when an attempt to dislodge the government in Arizona was rebuffed following public outcry. Bush-backed coup leader Manuel Noriega, who was released from jail to spearhead the effort, alienated the Arizona public and lost control on power when he issued an executive order outlawing all Chi Chi's restaurants, claiming "I had better chimichangas in lock-up." Democratic leaders, who had been relatively quiet as the Bush Administration implemented the Coup Doctrine with mixed results throughout Latin America and the Yukon, sternly admonished Bush for carrying out the Doctrine within U.S. borders. Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle released a statement that said, "When I see the underpinning of democracy called into question, I have no choice but to schedule many subcommittee hearings." Earlier in the week, President Bush dismissed critics who accused him of violating state sovereignty. "If it looks like a third-world country, and smells like a third-world country, then it's a third-world country," said Bush. "And if you live in a third-world country, you have a choice: you're either with the coup plotters or against the coup plotters." Bush did not speak publicly following the failure of the coup, but White House spokesman Ari Fleischer defended the Administration's actions and would not concede that there was any setback. "When Bill Clinton was in office, Arizona had more than 100 homicides, 300 cases of statutory rape and not a single drop of oil extracted from the ground," said Fleischer. "Now we have a president that speaks with moral clarity, who told Arizona that things had to change, and we believe the events of this week will lead to change." March 21, 2002 The Honorable Dan Quayle Dear Former Vice-President Quayle: I, and the American people, owe you one giant big-ass apology. Please understand. We didn't know how dumb politicians could get. At the time, you seemed pretty dumb. You know, "potatoe," "what a waste it is to lose one's mind," "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." But now we all know true unadulterated presidential dumbness. Of course, we all should have been tipped off when Dubya back in the campaign was shown up by a reporter from Glamour, David France, who was trying to get Bush's view of the Taliban. According to France, he asked twice, got no response, then "Finally, I slid him a clue: 'Because of the repression of women -- in Afghanistan?' 'Oh,' said Bush, 'I thought you said some band. The Taliban in Afghanistan! Absolutely. Repressive.'" But back then, most of us didn't know who the Taliban was either, so we let it go. Besides Gore claimed to visit a disaster area with the FEMA Director when it was really the Deputy Director. The lying bastard. Now we hear dumbness every day. And it's not at worthless events like 4th grade spelling bees. It's during actual presidential stuff. Here's Bush answering a question about the timing of a UN resolution supporting a Palestinian state: "It was a universal message that could lead to a more peaceful -- a peaceful world. And so we supported it. As a matter of fact, we helped engineer it; we were a part of the process. And, as to the timing, I don't know the timing. All I know is the things start showing up on my desk." And here's Bush talking about the INS approved student visas this month for two of the 9/11 hijackers: "Well, it got my attention this morning when I read about that. I was stunned, and not happy. Let me put it another way -- I was plenty hot. And I made that clear to people in my administration. I don't know if the Attorney General has acted yet today or not, I haven't seen the wire story, but -- he has. He got the message." But who is surprised anymore by Bush dumbness? Not you Dan I'm sure. I know you kick the TV set every time Bush is on, then yell to Marilyn about unfair it all is. A year ago I might have thought you were another whiny Ross Geller loser. Then recently I'm watching some fair and balanced Fox News and there's you talking about ousting Hussein in Iraq: "There is a legitimate resistance in Iraq. I've actually met with some of these people in the last several months. They indicate that the support is far more robust than I think some in our own administration believe it to be. But let's find out. Let's give them support. Now I realize that they are Shi'ite, and that causes a lot of concern to Saudi Arabia and to others because there's always been this fear if you had a Shi'ite regime in Baghdad and a Shi'ite regime in Tehran that that connection would be a destabilizing force. You know what? I'll take that risk." I was blown away Dan. For one thing, practically every sentence was complete and lucid. And second, you recognized a distinction between Sunni and Shi'ite Muslims. Do you know how few Americans realize there's a difference? You're in the elite five percent of the US on that alone. There's only one thing for you to do Dan. Run. Run against Bush in 2004. Everyone will say you're crazy, but if you can keep this complete sentences thing up, you'll absolutely destroy Bush in the debates. A flabbergasted nation would turn its lonely eyes to you. So once again. I'm sorry. Lloyd Bentsen is sorry. America is sorry. If we only knew what could pass for presidential, you would have had your turn a long time ago. March 12, 2002NEWS OF THE FUTURE BUSH'S NUCLEAR ASSAULT BEATS EXPECTATIONS (Reuters -- June 14, 2004) President George W. Bush's nuclear strike against Iran, North Korea and Italy is being hailed as a political success, since the civilian death toll was not as bad as Bush Administration officials previously indicated. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters last week, "Of course millions of people are going to die. The American people understand that nuclear bombs are designed to kill mass amounts of people." But the nuclear bombs and missiles were directly responsible for only 570,000 civilian deaths according to official tallies. By staying below one million civilian deaths, Bush Administration officials could claim that careful military planning minimized the casualties.
Foreign officials' insistence that the Bush Administration should count the 5 million people that died 72 hours later from radiation exposure was dismissed by White House spokesman Ari Fleischer as "the kind of nitpicking we've come to expect from Bill Clinton and his supporters." Television pundits hailed the move as another example of Bush's ability to shrug off the nuanced advice of experienced foreign policy professionals and instead rely on the lessons from superhero comic books. MSNBC's Chris Matthews said, "If the Democrats were running the show, we'd be having talks and negotiations and deals, and people using a lot of big words, but no winning. It would be impossible to say we had kicked a lot of ass. And the world respects a good ass-kicking." Presidential candidate Al Gore avoided direct criticism of the military strike but noted that the Bush Administration likely attacked Italy by mistake, possibly because of confusion between the "Axis of Evil" and the Axis powers of World War II. Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay quickly denounced Gore as a "greasy, olive-oil-smelling gnocchi-eating pinko hippie." February 27, 2002 (UPI -- NEW YORK) Music critics were stunned after frontrunners John Cougarstein and India.Arie left the Grammys empty-handed. India.Arie could only watch as she lost time and again to the Quincy Jones owned-and-operated Alicia Keys. Mr. Cougarstein's "S.U.C.K. in the U.S.A." was humiliated in the Best Polka Album category, losing to aging accordianist Jimmy Sturr and his "Gone Polka." "Everyone knows it's a travesty," said Mr. Cougarstein. "Even Lucinda (ex-girlfriend Williams) said I was robbed. Of course, she was happy about it. But that's what you'd expect from an evildoer." "Sure Coogs and I were hurt," said India.Arie, "but we talked to Britney (Spears) later and she said, 'I lost to Christina(Aguilera) before, but who's the movie star and who's the rat-faced whore?' That made a lot of sense." Mr. Cougarstein also expressed bitterness at his two other losses, in the category of Best Recording Package ("No one really appreciates a good shrink wrap job anymore.") and Solo Instrument Without Orchestra ("I'll put my work on the dobro up against anybody"). "It's partly my fault," acknowledged India.Aire. "They say to get ahead you have to sleep with Quincy Jones, but somehow I heard it as Billy Gilman. I know, I know, they don't even sound alike." February 9, 2002 (AP -- BROOKLYN, NY) In a speech loudly given on the corner of 5th and Flatbush, but echoing throughout the U.S., John Cougarstein warned the nation that his former girlfriends-- ad exec Sheila Rabinowitz, paralegal Rhonda Strummer and alt-country singer Lucinda Williams-- represent an "axis of evil" that could wreak additional havoc at any moment. "I will not wait for events," said Mr. Cougarstein, "These women are stockpiling weapons of mass manipulation, spreading worldwide terror." Mr. Cougarstein repeatedly pronounced the word "terror" as "ter-ra," leading many to believe that these women were attempting to distribute yuppie snack foods. Many relationship analysts criticized the remarks as alienating and overreaching. Dr. Phil, psychologist of Oprah fame, noted it was inappropriate to lump all three women together. "Lucinda? Sure, you can tell she's a heartbreaker a mile away. You can establish an international alliance focused on her. But the circumstances around Sheila and Rhonda are more complex." While some have accused Ms. Rabinowitz and Ms. Strummer with being needy yet also being too critical, a consensus has formed among international leaders that Mr. Cougarstein never listens. When asked to comment, Ms. Williams simply said, "I'll let my next critically-praised album do the talking -- John Cougarstein's Face Between Car Wheels and a Gravel Road." January 13, 2002 -- "Ask Maureen Dowd" Debuting in this space is the advice column "Ask Maureen Dowd," where an uber-hip, ultra-connected 50something woman offers morsels of insight to us rubes. Dear Maureen, I have most of my 401K plan in my company's stock. Seeing what happened to Enron, I'm worried about my retirement funds, but I don't want to panic either. What should I do?
Sincerely, Dear Nervous, In the 1990's people talked about 401Ks, stock options and profit sharing. Now people talk about Sex and The City, The Sopranos, and anything else on HBO. Even Arli$$.
Talking about money means you're not enjoying your money. And enjoying your money means spending an extra $12 a month to watch a few more TV shows. I asked my 38-year old political consultant friend if she had any Enron in her 401K, and she said, "Never mind that, can you believe that Samantha said 'dick-a-licious' last Sunday?! That was so funny!" I rest my case, so get with the program. Yours, Dear Maureen, I saw Lord of the Rings recently and thought it was just a long, boring movie. Maybe not as long and dumb as Magnolia, but still pretty bad. What's the deal? Sincerely, Dear Bewildered, Geek is chic. Once dwarves and elves and hobbits were just fodder for pimply AV tech dweebs. But then those dweebs made a lot of money and became my friends. I called Marc Andreessen, whom I've slept with, and asked him what should win the Golden Globe for Best Picture (the Globes are the only awards show that matters nowadays). Marc said, "The Fellowship encompasses all the aspects of the great epics, no other film of the decade can match it for its sweeping, grandiose quality." Did I mention I slept with him? He made the Web browser you know. I suggest you go back and watch it two or three more times. That's what a geek would do. Nano Nano, Dear Maureen, I keep saying we're going to bring bin Laden to justice, but for some reason, he seems to always get away. Do you think if I keep getting wrapped up in financial scandals then no one will notice? Sincerely, Dear Confused, The war is officially Dullsville. Before it was about getting revenge, Special Ops, and blowing stuff up. Now it's about interim governments, peacekeepers and learning foreign-sounding names. You don't even need financial scandals, just talk about tax cuts while standing in front of some trees. United We Stand, January 12, 2002 -- Actual Post-9/11 Dumb Bush Quotes Just in case you really thought he was growing into the presidency... Jan 8., 2002, Hamilton High School, Hamilton, OH Jan. 3, 2002, Town Hall Meeting, Ontario, CA Dec.4, 2001, Town Hall Meeting, Orlando, FL Oct. 4, 2001, U.S. Department of Labor December 10, 2001 -- "The West Cave" Among the plans for nuclear bombs and crop duster diagrams found in abandoned Taliban offices was this unfinished TV screenplay... THE WEST CAVE SCENE 1 SAM: C.J. what the hell was that on Al-Jazerra this morning? C.J.: Don't look at me. I sent them the "Fatwa Against Jerry Seinfeld" tape. I don't know where the Ramadan Eve office party tape came from. SAM: You realize that Osama can be seen eating KFC Popcorn Chicken. C.J.: It'll blow over SAM: It's not Halal poultry! C.J.: He's got a 72% favorable. Popcorn chicken only knocks off 5 points tops. SAM You're killing me CJ. SCENE 2 JOSH: The Al Qaeda organization greatly appreciates you taking the time to meet with us to discuss additional cave tunneling and construction within Pakistan. As you know, without protection from the Secret Service, we cannot fully protect Osama and ensure victory for Islam. PSS Guy: We cannot make any formal arrangements with Osama until he makes a public statement renouncing KFC and all other American fast food. JOSH: Wha-- You can't be serious. PSS Guy: He must make it clear. Is his allegiance to Allah or to the Colonel? JOSH: If you sever our alliance, believe you me you'll will suffer the fate of the infidels DONNA: Cursed to enjoy the Colonel's secret recipe. JOSH: Very funny Donna PSS Guy: You just tell Osama what he needs to do. [exits] JOSH: We got a bucket of trouble Donna DONNA: You're telling me, I'm pregnant with your baby. JOSH: Oh crap. SCENE 3 OSAMA: How is the jihad going today? TOBY: Well we need some damage control on this chicken flap. OSAMA: Like what? TOBY: Perhaps another video to Al-Jazerra. Have you thought about a fatwa sentencing every member of the Oprah Book Club to death? LEO: It would send a strong message against women who read, but would it deflect enough attention? OSAMA: I don't know if I can shoot another video while I'm battling this sore throat. TOBY: You have a sore throat?! When did this happen? OSAMA: I've had this for a week. TOBY: A week?! Who else knows about this? LEO: Calm down Toby, just because you're the 23rd TOBY: 23rd?! This is an outrage. OSAMA: Thanks a lot Toby. I was expecting something more like "Can I get you some tea with honey?" LEO: If you want to stay out of the loop, just keep it up. [The Black Guy enters] BLACK GUY: Mr. bin Laden, Wife #3 is waiting outside. She's really steamed that Wives 1 and 2 got all that chicken. OSAMA: Oh crap.
November 11, 2001 -- The Classic Lazy Column Random musings while watching a little too much Wolf Blitzer on a Sunday morning... ...The White House is always extremely careful to keep Dick Cheney is a safe, undisclosed location. George Bush, not so much... ...Weren't Candy Crowley and Ashleigh Banfield previously part of the "Gorgeous Ladies of Wresting" as Big Bad Mama and Debbie Debutante?... ...Where's the "Scud Stud" when you really need him?... ...Cover of recent US Weekly: "Mariah Thanks Her Loyal Fans." Approximate "Glitter" box office: $4 million... ...So Mark Green lost because New Yorkers found him too arrogant and obnoxious. Apparently, New Yorkers have always been drawn to down-to-earth, sensitive guys like Ed Koch and Rudy Guiliani... ...Bloomberg criticized Green for saying he could do "as good or better than Rudy Giuliani" in a similar crists. Shall we then look forward to Bloomberg doing a worse job?... ...What godforsaken Midwestern farm town churns out these bleach blonde Fox News anchor women, and is there any way to make it part of a land-for-peace Palestinian peace agreeement?... ...When Martin Lawrence stops making rehashed Eddie Murphy movies, and starts making rehashed Bruce Campbell movies...well, we can only hope Pauly Shore isn't next... ...Recent AP story: "The ``Seinfeld'' episode in which Susan dies from licking cheap, out-of-date wedding invitation envelopes has been pulled from syndication." Recent Seinfeld episode aired: Jerry and George debate over who is more "bombable."... ...Irony is officially dead, yet Bush is still president.
October 20, 2001 -- Real American Conspiracy Theories Now that we've spent a solid month coming together, remembering the words to God Bless America, and telling pollsters that George W. Bush is the greatest leader America has ever seen, it's time for Americans to return to their true calling: conspiracy theories, rumor mongering, and spreading good ol' unfounded speculation. And I don't mean some weak-ass Jewish conspiracy bullshit you hear out in Islamabad. We're Americans! We're far more creative. So here's some conspiracy theories to get us started, but feel free to send more to cougarstein@yahoo.com. Let the truth begin! The Star Trek VI Conspiracy Theory WHY: Osama wants to unite the Islamic world under his authority. Cheney simply was very bored talking about prescription drug benefits and Social Security reform ("I left sitting on my fat ass, making millions in oil, and eating cheeseburgers just to help a few old people who are going to die anyway?!"). PROOF: When Cheney was on Meet the Press in September, Tim Russert aired a bin Laden training video that included a snippet of footage of Cheney meeting with bin Laden years ago, probably when Cheney was steering guns and money to him in the 1980's. Yet Russert never asked him any details about his relationship. Surely Russert would have posed a question or two, unless of course, he knows the truth too. But because he and Cheney have some weekly Big Macs and bondage sex romps thing going on, Russert must also keep the secret. The Glitter Conspiracy Theory WHY: Mottola can't stand to see Mariah prove to the world that it's her talent, and not Mottola, that made her a star. PROOF: The only thing that could stop such a cinematic tour de force is a global calamity. And Mottola is the only man crazy and powerful enough to pull it off. The How-Can-We-Make-Dubya-Look-Smart Conspiracy Theory WHY: Karl Rove is the devil. That was his face in the smoke above WTC, clear as a bell. PROOF: See above. The Gary Condit Conspiracy Theory WHY: Do you have to ask? PROOF: Did you see the smile on his face at the National Cathedral memorial service last month? The Military-Petroleum-Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex Conspiracy Theory WHY: For the first six months of the Bush administration, their military reform failed, their energy policy failed, and I don't even think they tried to tackle prescription drugs. When Plan A doesn't work, you gotta go to Plan B. PROOF: The administration includes oil execs (Bush, Cheney), pharmaceutical execs (Rumsfeld, Budget Director Mitch Daniels) and defense execs (Norm Mineta). Do I have to connect all the dots myself?! The Al Gore Conspiracy Theory |